Have you ever had a day when you just wanted to write an episode of the Jack Benny Program, as if the radio show was still on the air? (Or is that just me?) What would they be talking about today? Enjoy!
“Jack Tries to Buy an Electric Car”
OPENING CREDITS
MUSIC: Fast-paced “Yankee Doodle Dandy”
DON WILSON: (Quickly) It’s the Jack Benny Program! Starring Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson.
SOUND: Audience applauds.
MUSIC: Fades out.
ACT ONE
SOUND: Nature, quiet Sunday. Birds chirping. Cars quiet in the distance.
DON: Quiet Sunday afternoons can make any man contemplative, even Jack Benny. Today we find our esteemed host walking through his neighborhood deep in thought.
JACK BENNY: (Thoughtful) Well, this neighborhood certainly has changed over the years… Neighbors have come and gone. Some have died, some have moved. I only sued a few of them…
SOUND: Laughter
JACK: Fifties… Sixties… I was here for the Beatles. Now two of them are deceased and the other two are in their 70s. (Pause) I’m still 39.
SOUND: Laughter
JACK: Don’t know how I do it. Yet, even at this age, I still see the tripping of time… Maturity that is what you get with the days. You can’t be young and foolish forever.
DENNIS DAY: Excuse me, Mr. Benny have you seen my little red wagon?
SOUND: Audience cheers and laughs
JACK: Dennis!
SOUND: Laughter
JACK: (Holding back his own laughter) What did you say, Dennis?
DENNIS: My little red wagon. Yes, my little red wagon. (sing-song style) Oh where, oh where can it be?
SOUND: Laugh
JACK: Dennis, I have known you for so many years, how are you still so incredibly ridiculous?
DENNIS: A daily regimen of pushups, vitamins, hijinks and tomfoolery.
SOUND: Laughter
JACK: Dennis, have you noticed how much the world has changed? How the world has begun to embrace multiculturalism, and different voices and talents seem to rise every day. Oh, some fight against the changes, but they can’t stop the tide of change. They will lose in the end, you can’t stop positive change. It is definitely not the privileged world we knew back when our radio show first aired.
DENNIS: (Frustrated) Have you seen my red wagon or not?
SOUND: Laughter (more…)
The Stories of Scott D. Southard 