So very cool! I hope each of you visiting this site continue to enjoy my writing. And I have a lot planned over the next few months, including a new book I hope to share over the summer.
I decided I wanted to do something different to celebrate this new milestone for my site. As some of my older followers know I used to do a lot of writing around radio drama. I’ve had quite a few radio comedy plays performed by different radio companies and I have even had a 10-episode radio comedy series produced. It was called The Dante Experience and was heard on a few NPR stations around this country. (You can learn more about the series and listen to all of the episodes on this page.)
One of my favorite comedies I have written for radio though has never been performed. It is called “The Classic Geography Club” and, as you will see, is VERY influenced by the work of Monty Python and Firesign Theatre. You can check it out exclusively below!
I hope you enjoy “The Classic Geography Club” and thank you for following my site!
The Classic Geography Club
-a radio comedy by Scott D. Southard-
MUSIC: Like the mysterious kind of music you would hear in an old radio mystery.
SOUND: Outside a street. A police siren is in the background. A lot of people are shouting.
SOUND: Someone lighting a cigarette.
Officer: (Narration sounding) It was a cool, dark night in the streets of New York City. I was working my beat when I got the call. A body was discovered in an office on the upper West Side. A strange British butler was found over the body doing unspeakable actions to the corpse and…
MUSIC: Awkwardly stops with interruption from Jenkins.
Jenkins: (Interrupting) Are you talking to me?
Officer: (Confused) No, sorry. (Changed attitude) Listen here buddy! You were caught with the body. But you claim you did not kill the victim, Mr. Davis. You can’t hide anything, so don’t try. So tell us your story and you might get some leniency.
Jenkins: The entire story?
Officer: From the beginning.
Jenkins: Okay. (Talking like he is telling a story to a child) Well, once upon a time in a far off magical land called London, there lived a…
Officer: Just get to the story.
Jenkins: I’m trying. (Cough. Then talks down again.) Once upon a time…
Officer: Skip the “Once upon a time,” buddy.
Officer: Because it’s not necessary.
Jenkins: But you asked to hear the story.
Officer: Listen, we just need your story, so lay off all the childish crap.
Jenkins: (Whining) But this is how I like to tell stories.
Officer: So every time you begin a story you say “Once upon a time?”
Officer: And what’s with your voice?
Jenkins: (Hurt) I’m British.
Officer: I didn’t mean that.
Jenkins: It’s called an accent.
Officer: I said I didn’t mean that.
Jenkins: I have no control over my accent.
Officer: Listen, Mack, I didn’t mean…
Jenkins: (Interrupts) You know you have an accent too.
Officer: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything against your accent. Just get to it.
Jenkins: (Talking like he is talking to a child) Once upon a time in the far off land of…
Officer: Just get on with it.
Jenkins: (Talking like he is telling the story to a child) Once up a time in the far off land of London there was a club for very important hunters and explorers. It was called the Classic Geography club. ‘Geography’ boy, that’s a big word. Do you think you can say it?
Officer: (Moan) Yes.
Jenkins: Then let’s hear you?
Officer: (Sighs) Geography.
Officer: I can’t believe all this…
Jenkins: And one night, Mr. Wiggins, Mr. James and Mr. Simpson were all sitting around the club sharing many exciting tales.
Officer: This is complete bullsh….
All: (Interrupts the officer from swearing. British people laughing)
SOUND: Inside the club.
James: Did I ever tell you about the time that I climbed Mt Everest?
Simpson: No you didn’t Mr. James.
Wiggins: Do tell, Mr. James.
James: Well, it was quite a horrible experience. It’s very cold there you know. It didn’t help matters that I was all alone and I had that one leg….
Wiggins: But Mr. James.
James: What, Mr. Wiggins?
Wiggins: You have both your legs.
James: Oh, it wasn’t my leg. It belonged to Mr. Neil.
Simpson: Oh I remember him.
Wiggins: Didn’t he need it?
James: What’s that, Mr. Wiggins?
Wiggins: His leg? Didn’t he need his leg?
James: Well, Mr. Wiggins, it seems he froze to death the night before. And for legal reasons, I had to bring him to the top and back down… Or at least a piece of him.
Wiggins: Legal reasons?
Simpson: I know what you mean, I was in India hunting African lions and….
Wiggins: African lions in India?
Simpson: Well, I didn’t say I was successful, did I? But my assistant, a Mr. Lewis from Oxford.
James: Oxford, excellent.
Simpson: Well, sad to say he was stomped on by an elephant and I had to shoot him.
Wiggins: The elephant?
Simpson: No, Mr. Lewis.
Wiggins: Dear God.
Simpson: Poor boy didn’t read the small print on the legal documents I had him sign before the hunt.
Wiggins: But you shot him, Mr. Simpson?
Simpson: Yes, but just think if I didn’t, Mr. Wiggins. I would have to file a claim, and then talk to my attorney and I might have to pay a fine. Now do you think that is fair for me to go to all that trouble? I certainly didn’t.
James: I quite agree. Do you think I wanted to carry that leg all the way up Mt. Everest and back down? Heavens, no. I’m just glad I could eat it when I got back down.
Wiggins: (Interjected) What?
Simpson: Tartar Sauce?
James: No, Hot mustard.
Wiggins: My God, you really didn’t eat his leg, did you?
James: (Pause) Well, I did fulfill my part of the legal agreement. A part of him did make it to the top and back down. It didn’t say anything about afterwards.
Wiggins: But that’s cannibalism.
James: No, it’s not.
Wiggins: Yes, it is. You ate another human being, Mr. James. That’s cannibalism.
James: (Quickly) wait a minute, you’re right. I was thinking of something else. My mind was way off topic. Sorry, sorry.
Simpson: Was Mr. Neil from Oxford?
Simpson: Always wonderful breeding there.
Simpson: Do you want another drink, Mr. James?
James: Certainly, Mr. Simpson.
Wiggins: Did I ever tell you about my experience trying to capture a photograph of the rare and vicious llama?
James: Llamas aren’t vicious.
Wiggins: Well, the rare llama then.
James: And llamas aren’t rare.
Wiggins: You don’t say?
James: They are quite plentiful.
Wiggins: (Pause) Damn. (Pause) Does anyone want to see some cute pictures of llamas?
Jenkins: Excuse me, sirs.
Simpson: What is it, Jenkins?
Jenkins: I’m sorry to bother the three of you. But it seems Mr. Davis has had a bit of an accident.
Wiggins: Get to the point, Jenkins
Jenkins: Well, the trophy from the 13th annual Rugby Championship…
All: (Interrupts, chant and cheer) CGC! Hurrah! Hurrah!
Jenkins: (Pause) Yes, well. It fell.
Jenkins: On his head.
Wiggins: Is he dead?
Jenkins: No, sir. But it turns out that he thinks he’s a Leopard.
Wiggins: A Leopard!? (Pause) what’s that?
Jenkins: It’s a frightful animal with black spots.
Simpson: Black spots? In this season? Frightful.
Jenkins: Agreed, sir.
James: (Disgusted) Is he wearing the spots?
Jenkins: No, but he is pouncing.
Jenkins: On people.
Wiggins: Whom has he pounced on?
Jenkins: Mr. Reynolds, sir.
Wiggins: Simpson? Mr. Reynolds didn’t pay his due for this month, did he?
Simpson: I don’t believe so, Wiggins.
Wiggins: Then that shouldn’t be a problem.
Jenkins: But the fear is sir. He might pounce on paying members.
James: That would be a problem.
Simpson: I know I don’t want to be pounced on.
Jenkins: Oh, my! It’s him!
Davis: Grr! I say! Grr! (Cough) Excuse me. Grr!
SOUND: Outside in New York City.
Officer: What are you talking about?
Jenkins: Let me continue, please. (Talking down again) And there he was- The evil Mr. Davis. He had big claws and ever so sharp teeth. He was quite a scary sight.
SOUND: Back at the club.
Davis: Grr! I say. (Normal voice, suddenly) Oh, is that bourbon?
Davis: Can I have a glass?
Wiggins: Of course.
Jenkins: Here you go, sir.
Davis: Thank you. (Drinks. Back to leopard mode.) Grr, I say.
Reynolds: (calling like from another room) Oh my God!
Wiggins: What is it Mr. Reynolds?
Reynolds: (Calling) Mr. Davis has attacked me! I’m bleeding very badly! And I can’t find my right arm!
Jenkins: Mr. Reynolds, sir. Do you mind not bleeding on the hallway carpet?
Reynolds: I’ll see what I can do, Jenkins.
Simpson: Frightful business.
Reynolds: (Calling) Oh, please, please help me!
Davis: Grr. I’m going to attack. Grr!
Wiggins: Just a second, old boy.
Reynolds: (Calling) Oh, this really hurts! I’m just not very good in dealing with pain when it hurts!
James: Jenkins, can you get a Band-Aid for Mr. Reynolds?
Jenkins: Certainly, sir.
James: Ok, now to you, Mr. Davis. What do you want?
Davis: I don’t know. Whatever any normal leopard wants I guess- Security, food, a mate, a nice cave.
Wiggins: Female leopards are hot!
Davis: I am a wild animal!
Simpson: (Excited) Mr. James.
James: Yes, Mr. Simpson.
Reynolds: (Calling) This Band-Aid does nothing!
Simpson: (Giddy) I do believe we have a hunt on our hands.
Davis: (Tries to interject into the conversation) Now just a minute….
Simpson: Get my rifle, Jenkins.
Jenkins: Here you go, sir.
SOUND: Gun being handed over.
Davis: (Awkward laughing) Well, I think I’ll be going now.
Simpson: I think I got a lock on him. Steady. Steady.
Davis: A lot of things to do. Busy life of a leopard and all. Grr. (quickly) Bye now.
James: You missed him.
Simpson: Leopards can be quick animals.
Wiggins: Spilled his bourbon too.
James: Jenkins pack our bags. We are on a hunt!
MUSIC: Noble fanfare sound. Interrupted (with an almost scratch like a record needle being removed).
Officer: (Interrupting music) Cut to the chase.
Officer: Get on with it.
Jenkins: (Talking like to a child again) Well, little boys and little girls, do you know what happened next?
Officer: What are you doing?
Jenkins: Getting on with the story.
Officer: Yeah, but…
Jenkins: You said, you wanted to hear the story.
Officer: But you’re a suspect in a murder case.
Jenkins: I understand that.
Officer: And there are no little boys and little girls listening to your story.
Officer: Now get on with it!
Jenkins: (To a little child) Well, do you know what happened next little boy?
Jenkins: Well, do you?
Officer: I wouldn’t ask if I knew.
Jenkins: Well, they…
Officer: And I’m not little!
Jenkins: All right then.
Officer: I’m taller than you are.
Jenkins: Can I get on with the story?
Officer: (Sighs) Jump to the chase.
Jenkins: Ok. (Coughs. Then talks like he is talking to a child again). Well, Mr. Wiggins, Mr. James and Mr. Simpson decided to hunt the evil leopard Mr. Davis. They followed him to Australia.
SOUND: Generic sounds of Australia.
Australian Man: Welcome to Australia, mate.
James: Thank you very much.
Jenkins: They followed him to China.
SOUND: Generic sounds of China.
Australian Man: Welcome to China, mate.
James: Thanks again
Jenkins: They followed him to India.
SOUND: Generic Sounds of India.
Australian Man: Welcome to India, mate.
Simpson: (Sighs, angrily) Thank you again.
Jenkins: And they followed to Brazil.
SOUND: Generic sounds of Brazil.
Australian Man: Welcome to Brazil, mate.
James: Stop following us around!
Australian Man: (Hurt) I’m sorry.
SOUND: New York City.
Jenkins: And we followed him to New York City. And it was then that we had the furious leopard cornered. Slowly… Slowly… Slowly…
Officer: Speed this up all right.
Jenkins: (sighs. But said the same as before) Quickly… Quickly… Quickly… We sneaked up on the evil Mr. Davis in the corner office of his successful brokerage house.
SOUND: Of a busy office.
James: (Whispering) There he is. Right inside his office.
Wiggins: (Whispering) What a clever leopard. Hiding in a business office like that. Taking meetings. Using a phone. Dastardly clever.
Simpson: (Whispering) Shhh…. He’s talking.
Davis: Grr. Buy the stock. Grr. Well, then sell it then. Grr, I say.
Wiggins: (Whispering) We should be able to get him easily. All we need to do is…
Secretary: Hello, can I help you?
Wiggins: (Whispering) Shhh…. Keep it down, please. We’re hunting Mr. Davis.
Secretary: Mr. Davis (Looking at forms) and do you have an appointment?
Simpson: (Whispering) No.
Secretary: Well, I’m sorry, but Mr. Davis does have a full schedule today. He might be able to fit you in tomorrow at 3:30 PM.
Simpson: (Whispering) What do you guys think?
Wiggins: (Whispering) I know I’m free.
Jenkins: (Whispering) Sir?
Simpson: (Whispering) Yes, Jenkins.
Jenkins: (Whispering) It is frightfully close to tea time.
Wiggins: (Whispering) Good point. Does he have anything later in the day?
Secretary: How about 4:30?
Wiggins: (Whispering) Yes, please. Ok, Jenkins, strike up camp. We will confront the spotted Mr. Davis tomorrow.
SOUND: New York City.
Jenkins: (Talking like to a child) So we set up camp outside his office. It was a beautiful night. The stars were all starry white. White just like the chalk you play with at school. And the moon was so, so, so bright and round (Accent “round”).
Australian Man: How round was the moon, mate?
Officer: Who the heck are you?
Jenkins: (Going on) Well, Australian man it was a very round moon. Almost like a bouncy ball. (Laughing) Probably round just like your favorite baseball.
Australian Man: Wow, that is round.
SOUND: Quiet. Empty office.
Wiggins: I love these moments by the campfire before a kill. It’s so peaceful.
Simpson: I know what you mean.
James: (Sighs) Reminds me of something.
Simpson: Ah, something….
Wiggins: What time is it, Jenkins?
Jenkins: 2 AM, sir.
Simpson: 2 AM? Makes you wonder what happened to 12:15?
Wiggins: And 11:42?
James: And 10:57?
Simpson: Where did all that time go, Jenkins? Where did it go…
Jenkins: No, idea, sir.
Simpson: (Ordering) Look into it, Jenkins!
Jenkins: Yes, sir.
Wiggins: I think it’s time we turn in.
Simpson: And sleep.
Wiggins: Oh that’s even better an idea!
James: Good night, Jenkins.
Jenkins: Good night sirs. (Very serious and dramatic) God bless you all, you noble men of England.
SOUND: Of New York streets.
Jenkins: And the next day we had our appointment with destiny, children.
Australian: This is a good story, mate!
Jenkins: At exactly 4:30, after tea, we were lead into Mr. Davis’ office.
Davis: Thank you for coming today and… (Suddenly surprised) Oh, my god! How did you ever find me? I thought I lost you for good in Brazil.
Simpson: We are members of the Classic Geography Club. We’re not easily lead off a trail, Mr. Davis.
Davis: I should have expected as much. Grr, damn it.
Jenkins: Your rifle, sir.
James: Do you have any last words, Mr. Davis?
Davis: I always wanted to visit China.
Wiggins: You visited China.
Davis: Oh wacko then.
SOUND: Of gunshot.
Davis: (Gasping to stay alive) Wait I have other last words. I wanted to say… Oh, damn it! I forgot. Why do I always forget things like this? Just watch I will remember this later when it doesn’t matter. Grr!
SOUND: Of collapse.
SOUND: Of New York streets.
Officer: And that’s your story?
Jenkins: And our heroes, happy in their happiness, went back to the magical land of London and lived happily ever after. The End. (Voice is normal again) Yes, that’s the story.
Australian Man: That was a great story, mate!
Officer: But why were you hanging around the body?
Jenkins: Well, as is the common practice, I was preparing the prize for presentation at the Classic Geography Club.
Officer: Are you saying what I think you are saying?
Jenkins: Usually the members are happy with only the skin of the prize.
SOUND: As Jenkins describes procedures people listening are very disgusted. Now and then they even shout out “You are sick!” or “That’s disgusting!”
Jenkins: But because of the extent of the hunt, they decided to have the prize stuffed. So at that time you caught me I was beginning to remove the proper organs, they are in that messy pile of red goo over there, they would get in the way of the stuffing process. It’s all such a messy business. First you have to drain the blood. And that can take quite a considerable time, the blood is in bags over there. Then you have to remove the organs one by one by reaching in through the….
Officer: (Interrupting) Okay, that’s it!
Jenkins: What’s wrong. This is all perfectly noble. Hunting is a sport.
Officer: It’s disgusting. Where are Simpson, James and Wiggins?
Jenkins: They are on a flight back to England, I said that in the story. What is the problem?
Officer: Take him away boys.
SOUND: Jenkins Getting dragged off.
Jenkins: What are you doing? Hunting is a sport! It’s a sport! Get those handcuffs off of me…
MUSIC: Starts to play like one would hear on an old radio mystery show,just like before.
Officer: (Narrating) So it was a calculated and prepared murder by experienced killers. Sad business. It’s one of those moments that makes me wonder why I became a cop. Oh yeah, I do it for the babes. (Laughing to himself).
MUSIC: awkwardly stops.
Officer: Ah, the babes, the chicks. The ladies love a man in uniform. You know the last time I walked into a bar in uniform, this woman with amazing… (Coughs, back to normal.)
MUSIC: Starts once again where it left off.
Officer: The hunters will be caught in London and they’ll probably be prosecuted there. But here was a lesson about hunting and death. Almost makes me regret that even I have to carry a gun. Who is the real hunter and who is the wild beast? On these mad streets I can’t always say.
Australian Man: Are you talking to me?
Officer: No, buddy I’m talking to all of us.
Australian Man: (Breaking mood of ending) What?
Officer: Oh, nevermind…
MUSIC: Music swells and fades out like in an old mystery radio show.
If you liked reading this post, why not check out one of my books? I’ve had four novels published in the last few years, A Jane Austen Daydream, Maximilian Standforth and the Case of the Dangerous Dare, My Problem With Doors and Megan. You can find them via my amazon.com author page here, or as an eBook on Google eBooks here. Thanks for reading!
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