Episode 5 of

Time Out Of Mind,

the sequel to

The Dante Experience

“A Night at the Theater”

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 1

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Hello, your holiness, I have returned. I’m sorry about all that and my date. I’m so red. I mean, if angels could blush I would be red, not red like a devil or anything. Red just doesn’t work for me. Tried dressing up as a devil once for Halloween. I had this little tail and pitchfork and I was poking people with it and you probably don’t want to hear about that. Anyway, I brought some paradise cleaner that should help the mess and… Ok, I’ll just put it here.

SOUND: Putting cleaning supplies down.

MICHAEL: Ok, let me boot up my computer and the surveillance equipment and the video players and see what I have missed. Let’s see… Well, at least some good news since we know that one of the dragons is in Camelot. Of course, you can’t help but wonder what the other dragons have gone and what they are planning and… Do you wonder things like that? I mean… Nevermind. So the group is in the right spot. The group, now including Benjamin Franklin, are in the court of King Arthur. Our team of General Joseph, Jenkins and Dante are… Hmmm… Oh, here they are.

SOUND: Computer Beep.

MICHAEL: They have escaped France after having their heads chopped off and have been transported by the Angel Transportation League to a small village near Camelot.

Scene 2

SOUND: A medieval village. The three are walking through it.

DANTE: I don’t know where you are expecting to find string to sew our heads back on!

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

JOSEPH: Get a grip, men! We have to succeed for the sake of heaven. What’s important is that we find those dragons. The fact we have to carry our heads is just a side nuisance. You have to keep things in the big picture.

DANTE: You make it sound so easy.

JOSEPH: Thank you.

DANTE: I wasn’t done, but I still don’t feel comfortable carrying my head around like this. Don’t you think we are going to…

WITCH HUNTER: Ah! Witches!

DANTE:… stand out!

PEASANT: Witches! Get them!

SOUND: Getting chased and running away.

JOSEPH: Run for the hills men!

DANTE: Where did they get those pitchforks so quickly?

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

DANTE: Run! Run!

JOSEPH: Over here, men. We’ll be safe…

SOUND: Panting

DANTE: That… whew… That was a close…

PEASANT: (Interrupting) I’ve got them!

DANTE JENKINS JOSEPH: Oh, great.

Scene 3

SOUND: of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Ah… Ah… Well, let’s see how the others are doing. Good old Robert, Susan, Steve, Will, Alison and Benjamin Franklin. Yesterday the group were found by Sir Lancelot and taken to the court of Camelot under the disguise of a traveling troupe of actors… So without any further ado let’s go to our “A Night at the Theater” with Angel Renalto!

MICHAEL: Hello Angel Renalto.

RENALTO: Hello Michael, darling.

MICHAEL: Are you ready for your review?

RENALTO: I’m always ready.

SOUND: Quick little cheesy music theme.

RENALTO: Hello theater loving angels, It’s me, the one and only Angel Renalto! Have you missed me? Last night, I was able to catch the new version of Cinderella by the legendary American revolutionary Benjamin Franklin. A penny saved a penny earned? Well, this wreck isn’t going to earn any pennies! I give this play 1 angel wing and a half! The play stared those rascal mortals we all fell in love with last year during the Dante Experience and it was performed for a limited run in the court of King Arthur. And speaking of Arthur he looked fabulous at the opening night with his dashing wife Guinevere. Even the cast could notice the stunning beauty in front of them. That especially went for Steve who played Prince Charming’s father. He, on a few occasions broke the third wall and shared some hidden words with the queen in the front row. And between you and me, theater lovers, I think I saw a key being passed around. But don’t tell Arthur since he is known for being the violent type. Oh, you are bad! Bad boy! Just like I like them. Now back to work. This lackluster production had clearly little rehearsal time and that could be seen by the many times the actors stepped out of character. Here is an example from one of the ending scenes of the play. It involves Robert as Prince Charming and Will as Cinderella. Let’s watch!

 Scene 4

SOUND: of a stage and a small restless audience watching.

ROBERT: I’m not kissing Will!

WILL: This better be union, Franklin. I want to be paid for this!

FRANKLIN:  (Off stage) If you don’t kiss Cinderella, the play can’t end, Robert.

ROBERT: I still don’t understand why Will had to play Cinderella.

WILL: Maybe I was best at the auditions?

ROBERT: But you aren’t a girl!

WILL: Yeah, hold that against me.

ROBERT: I’m just saying, I would rather kiss Susan or Alison.

ALISON: (Off stage): What do you mean you would rather kiss Susan?

ROBERT: Alison, honey, he is asking me to kiss Will in front of an audience!

WILL: Why do I feel hurt?

KING ARTHUR: End this travesty of a play! The king is bored!

FRANKLIN: You have to do it, Robert.

ROBERT: I’ll get you for this, Benjamin Franklin if it is the last thing I do!

WILL: You know this dress is kind of comfortable.

ROBERT: Fine let’s get this over with.

SOUND: Kiss

AUDIENCE: Ewwww!

 Scene 5

SOUND: of Heaven.

RENALTO: Oh la la! Hot! But beyond that there was little to hold this little angel’s interest. The sets were drawn with crayons. The costumes were clearly stolen from poor peasants and the acting was to die for…Literally! Avoid this play like the black plague. That’s Renalto and this was A Night At the Theater. Toodles!

SOUND: Quick cheesy theme music again.

MICHAEL: So you didn’t like the show then eh?

RENALTO: That is right.

MICHAEL: Quite a pan.

RENALTO: Like a frying pan for boiling eggs.

BOTH: (fake laugh).

RENALTO: Back to you, Michael.

MICHAEL: Well, after the performance. Oh wait… No that is not right. What you do is spray the clearner on the…

SOUND: Of a cleaner being sprayed.

MICHAEL: …spot and… Not to say I am correcting you. Not at all. You can clean it anyway you want. Here take it back…  Anyway, Susan was able to talk to Lancelot and tell him their true mission. Lancelot quickly joined up with the group and the next morning they left to go find the dragons.

Scene 6

SOUND: Riding horses at a slow trot across a field.

WILL: (Singing under his breath) I’m so pretty. I’m so pretty.

ROBERT: Can someone shut Will up!

FRANKLIN: Did anyone see where Steve went to?

ALISON: It’s best not to think of Steve, Benjamin. He’ll probably show before we leave the kingdom.

LANCELOT: Beautiful Susan, you will be able to kill the dragons with your magic?

SUSAN It’s not magic. It’s a laser.

ALISON: My laser!

SUSAN I’m going to keep it for now Alison.

ALISON: But it looks better on me.

SUSAN: What is that supposed to mean?

ROBERT: I have something for you to wear…

ALISON: Not now, Robert.

WILL: I think that play really went over well.

LANCELOT: It seemed like magic to me, Susan. Strange, since you have clearly put a spell on my heart.

SUSAN What did you say?

KING ARTHUR: (In distance) What is this? Who is he, Guinevere!?

STEVE: (In distance) Gotta run. It was fun!

ALISON: See what did I tell you Franklin.

FRANKLIN: Amazing.

SOUND: Of a horse running up.

STEVE: Hey guys wait for me!

ROBERT: We probably should ride faster

LANCELOT: Follow me! Ya!

SOUND: Horses galloping.

Scene 7

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Let me just move forward here a bit. Ok, they ride and ride and argue and argue. Hmmm… It doesn’t look like they find the dragon that day. Here they are getting settled for the night and… Oh wow! I just got an email from Angel Ted! He has an exclusive interview with one of the dragons. Ted, you there?

TED: Yes I am.

MICHAEL: And the dragon is there?

TED: Yes, I am with the evil Smaug and I was going…

MICHAEL: Kill it Ted!

TED: What?

MICHAEL: Kill it quick!

TED: I’m a journalist, Michael. I’m here to report the story.

MICHAEL: But you have a chance to kill one of the evil dragons that is trying to destroy reality.

TED: So?

MICHAEL: You just can’t interview it.

Scene 8

TED: Watch me. Hello, Smaug.

SMAUG: Hello, Ted. It is good to be here.

TED: Some say you are trying to destroy reality.

MICHAEL: I said that.

TED: How do you respond?

SMAUG: That is correct. For nine years, my brothers and I have been held back and killed for sport in man’s theme parks.

TED: I see.

SMAUG: The killing wasn’t so bad. It was those damn cheerful songs that really put us over the edge.

TED: Really?

SMAUG: Same thing every day. Happy songs, happy songs. I’m amazed this hasn’t happened before.

TED: And it was theme park music that led you to want to destroy man?

SMAUG: Well, there is all the bad movies. And let me tell you, there has never been a good movie involving a dragon.  Clearly an example of dragons not getting input on the projects and people using dragon stereotypes. Stereotypes I might add that have been holding back dragons for years.

TED: Nine years?

SMAUG: Yes, nine years.

TED: So it’s about the movies?

SMAUG: Partially, but consider it from our point of view. Every time you put in a movie staring someone in your species they are bad guys.

TED: So you are becoming evil to protest the image of you being evil?

SMAUG: Something like that?… Also, basically because all the movies really suck.

TED: Anything else?

SMAUG: Well, really for us it is the media attention at our shows at the amusement park. The knight used to get all the attention at the shows. If we destroy all mankind, we’re sure people will have to give us more attention.

TED: What people?

SMAUG: The people we destroy.

TED: So all the people that no longer exist will give you more attention.

SMAUG: Exactly.

TED: Don’t you think your logic is a little backwards.

SMAUG: How do you mean?

TED: They’ll all be dead.

SMAUG: Yes, that is right.

TED: So how can they see you?

SMAUG: I’m really not following you here.

TED: Ok, back to you Michael.

MICHAEL: Ted, you idiot! It is right there! Just grab it and…

TED: I said, back to you Michael.

MICHAEL: Will you at least tell us where you are at?

TED: Undisclosed location. And let me add…

SOUND: Microphone being held closer.

TED: (Evil) And let me add just for you Michael. That when I am done with the assignment. I will find you.

MICHAEL: Me?

TED: (Evil) Yes you.

MICHAEL: Why me?

TED: (Evil) And we’ll discuss your relationship with my daughter.

MICHAEL: Ted, this is all a big misunderstanding. Your daughter lied and said she was a stripper when I met her on the internet and she sent me some pictures and… Ok, I’m probably not helping the situation.

TED: (Evil) Michael.

MICHAEL: Yes.

TED: (Evil) I’m coming for you. (Suddenly normal) Now back to you!

Scene 9

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Fine, uh, thanks… Dragons trying to destroy the world, Ted wants to beat me up, our team is beheaded and, ok, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. Breath…  Where was I? Oh, yes, the group of Susan and the team was setting up camp for the night.

SOUND: Computer beep.

MICHAEL: There they are. From what I can see on the monitor they are all siting around the campfire and talking.

Scene 10

SOUND: Campfire.

LANCELOT: So you say, I run away with Guinevere?

FRANKLIN: Yes, that is right.

LANCELOT: And the secret son of Arthur and his witch sister wreck havoc on the kingdom in war?

FRANKLIN: Yes, a great bloody battle.

WILL: Wow, I think I saw that movie.

SUSAN I don’t know if we should be telling them their futures.

LANCELOT: Where is Merlin during all this?

ALISON: He is trapped by a witch in his cave.

LANCELOT: Really? No wonder he missed my birthday party.

FRANKLIN: Me next!

SUSAN: There is no next! You are supposed to be dead.

STEVE: Quiet Susan, you’ll give Franklin a complex.

SUSAN: Complex, schomplex, the man is dead. (Sighs)

ROBERT Well, from what I remember.

FRANKLIN: Yes?

ROBERT: You help draw up the constitution.

FRANKLIN: I already did that.

ROBERT: And you write a lot of expressions.

FRANKLIN: I already did that too. Now tell me something I don’t know about my future.

PAUSE
ROBERT: Ah…

STEVE: Well…

FRANKLIN: What is wrong?

ROBERT: Oh, nothing is wrong, we just don’t know.

FRANKLIN: What do you mean, you don’t know? I’m an important person in history.

ROBERT Yeah, but you already did all the important stuff.

STEVE: Yeah, from here on out you pretty much coast to the end.

ROBERT: And you say a lot of neat expressions.

FRANKLIN: You said that already.

ALISON: I hate expressions.

FRANKLIN: But I didn’t do anything else?

ROBERT: Oh, I’m sure you did stuff.

SUSAN: Like rot.

ROBERT: Susan.

FRANKLIN: What does Alison mean she hates expressions?

ROBERT: Let it go.

STEVE: And I’m sure you did lots of important stuff we don’t remember.

WILL Yeah, lots of stuff, don’t you think so Alison.

ALISON: Oh, yes I am sure of it.

FRANKLIN: Like what?

SUSAN: This is ridiculous.

STEVE: You kept your place clean.

WILL: Speeches and stuff.

ROBERT: And you are well dressed.

FRANKLIN: (Sarcastic) This is just great.

ALISON: Wait! Bifocals!

FRANKLIN: I’m wearing a pair.

ALISON: Oh…. They look nice.

PAUSE

ALISON: Well, you are old.

FRANKLIN: This is just great.

PAUSE

LANCELOT: So do I fight Arthur?

WILL: Yeah! It’s really cool.

ROBERT: But then you fight with him.

WILL: And Guinevere and you have some great love scenes.

LANCELOT: Really?

WILL: A well-known love story.

LANCELOT: Well that is good, she is a fair wench.

STEVE: Well, I don’t know about fair.

LANCELOT: What?

STEVE: Actually she is pretty selfish

LANCELOT: What is he talking about?
ROBERT: Ah, nothing.

STEVE: No attention Steve way.

SUSAN Maybe we should all go to sleep.

LANCELOT: I want to know what he is talking about.

FRANKLIN: Really, you don’t remember anything about me?

WILL: Isn’t he shot at the theater?

STEVE: No that is Lincoln.

WILL: So is he the guy with the wooden teeth?

SUSAN: Ok, Ok, everyone…

LANCELOT: Did you take the maidenhood of the fair queen Guinevere?

STEVE: I didn’t see any hood.

SUSAN: Everyone go to sleep now… We can save reality tomorrow.

LANCELOT: The fair Susan is right. We should all rest.

SOUND: Of group snuggling up for bed.

ROBERT: Good night Alison.

ALISON: Good night, Robert.

WILL: Good night, Sir Lancelot.

LANCELOT: Good night Will. Good night beloved Susan.

SUSAN: Ah, good night, I guess.

WILL: Good night, Franklin.

FRANKLIN: You really don’t remember anything about…

All: Shut up!

SUSAN: Good night everyone.

Scene 11

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Ok, they all feel asleep. And out team…

SOUND: Of computer beeps.

MICHAEL: Here it is, our team just had their court case completed. They were found… Oh dear, they were found guilty of being witches and will be burned at the stake as soon as… Wow, courts in medieval times work fast.

Scene 12

SOUND: Medieval village fire.

WITCH HUNTER: And you will be burned until you are dead.

DANTE: I call a mistrial!

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

JOSEPH: We can all take a little burning, men for the team and reality. We are here for God.

JENKINS: I’m not a man.

WITCH HUNTER: And once you are dead you will be sent by demons to the third ring…

DANTE: Actually, it’s more like the…

JOSEPH: Let it go, Dante.

DANTE: I wrote the book on rings of Hell, I think I should correct whenever there is a mistake.

WITCH HUNTER: So you know the ways of Hell? More proof of being a witch.

JOSEPH: Good job, Dante.

DANTE: First I get my head cut off and now I am going to get burned. This is the worse week of my life!

JOSEPH: Death.

DANTE: Shut up.

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

DANTE: I knew I should have had my own representation.

JOSEPH: I gave a great defense.

DANTE: Oh, yeah, that was a really good idea showing your wings.

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

JOSEPH: We would have been fine if you were better at balancing your head on your neck.

DANTE: I’m sorry. I’m sorry my head kept falling off! How many times do I have to say I am sorry?

JOSEPH: Every great argument I gave disappeared the second your head fall off. I kept having to go back to square one. It’s one thing to convince a group of people they didn’t see something like that once. To convince them they have seen it a dozen times is a lot.

DANTE: I said I’m sorry.

WITCH HUNTER: Bring forth the torches.

SOUND: Poof!

MEPHIST: Hello boys.

DANTE, JOSEPH AND JENKINS: Mephistopheles.

MEPHIST: You didn’t think I would miss this did you?

JENKINS: Ah!

MEPHIST: My favorite three people being burned.

DANTE: You are a bad person.

MEPHIST: I’m a devil. Why do I always have to explain this to you?

WITCH HUNTER: See, even now they talk to air!

DANTE: What?  Don’t you see the devil standing there?

WITCH HUNTER: They see devils! Witches must burn.

DANTE: You did this on purpose!

MEPHIST: Well, yeah.

JOSEPH: We’ll get through this Mephist and we’ll stop you.

MEPHIST: What’s that?

JOSEPH: What? Where?

SOUND: Of something being picked up.

MEPHIST: I got your head. Ha!

JOSEPH: Hey, put that back.

MEPHIST: Nah, I think I will keep it.

JOSEPH: Oh, I am so going to spit on you. Pa tut!

DANTE: Hey, you hit me.

JOSEPH: Sorry.

DANTE: (Sarcasm) Well, I’m sure the burning will take that right out though.

JOSEPH: This is not my fault.

MEPHIST: Are you ladies through?

JENKINS: I am an angel!

MEPHIST: I just wanted you to know before you were burnt to a crisp, that I am going to meet with the dragons and help them destroy all of mankind. I know exactly where to send them.

JENKINS: Where?

MEPHIST: Oh, you think I am going to be that stupid and tell you my evil plan?

JOSEPH: Let go of my head!

WITCH HUNTER: Where are those torches?

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

WITCH HUNTER: About time. Where have you been?

PEASANT: Getting some grog.

WITCH HUNTER: Did you get any for me?

PEASANT: No.

WITCH HUNTER: What?

PEASANT: We didn’t think you would want any.

WITCH HUNTER: Of course, I would want some.

PEASANT: But you never like grog.

WITCH HUNTER: I like grog fine. You just never include me in anything.

PEASANT: We are including you now in this burning.

WITCH HUNTER: Yeah, by making me do all the work.

DANTE: Can I just say that…

WITCH HUNTER: Not now. Ok, fine tell me why you don’t include me in things.

PEASANT: Well, frankly we find you boring.

WITCH HUNTER: Boring!

PEASANT: And you keep telling everyone they’re a witch.

WITCH HUNTER: I do not!

PEASANT: It’s like you have a witch fixation.

WITCH HUNTER: I do not believe this.

PEASANT: Witch here and a witch there.

WITCH HUNTER: Are you complaining?
PEASANT: Yes, I am complaining! We’ve killed ten people this week!

WITCH HUNTER: Ten witches actually.

PEASANT: If you want to believe that, sure.

WITCH HUNTER: Well, it’s my job.

PEASANT: Job? Job? Do you get paid for this?

WITCH HUNTER: No… What is your point?

PEASANT: It’s not a job. It’s something you enjoy doing. And frankly we all think it’s sick.

SOUND: Other peasants agreeing.

WITCH HUNTER: So you don’t think these people are witches.

PEASANT: Well, I think maybe we could have sat down and discussed it more before deciding to kill them.

DANTE: I like him.

WITCH HUNTER: But they were carrying their heads. How do you explain that?
PEASANT: Maybe they had a headache.

WITCH HUNTER: How would that help?

PEASANT: I think we should let them down.

MEPHIST: Oh, I think I might need to make an appearance.

JOSEPH: Wait, don’t Mephistopheles!

SOUND: Of flames shooting up!

MEPHIST: I am Mephistopheles the devil! These witches work for me! HAHAHAHAHA!

SOUND: Of Flames shooting up again.

SOUND: Peasants screaming.

MEPHIST: Now they can’t see me again. Do you think that worked?

PEASANT: Ok, so you were right this time. Sue me. Get the torches boys!

JOSEPH: Give me back my head.

MEPHIST: No, I think I will keep it.

DANTE: Why doesn’t any of them notice that his head is missing?

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

MEPHIST: I’m going to go now. Have a nice fire. I’m going to go help the dragons… (Whispering) stop the beginning of Man.

DANTE: Oh, no!

JOSEPH: Give me back my head.

MEPHIST: Bye Bye.

SOUND: Poof!

DANTE: Well, this is just great.

SOUND: Flames, lighting bonfire.

WITCH HUNTER: There they are all lit. Soon you witches will burn and visit your master.

JENKINS: I hate Michael. I hate Michael.

DANTE: Oh, won’t you shut up.

Scene 13

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: (Short scream). Oh, ok. We may be in trouble here. Just a little, no biggie. We’ve been through worse. I mean that whole almost battle at the gate and everything. So Mephistopheles has General Joseph’s head and Dante and Angel Jenkins and Joseph’s body are being burned at the stake… And then there is that bit of Mephist helping the dragons… And…

SOUND: Computer beep.

MICHAEL: What is going on with the computer?

SOUND: Computer beep.

MICHAEL: No file, what do you mean there is no file? I was just… It’s all crashing. Argh! Damn Windows. Ok, your holiness, I will get a computer repair angel and we’ll get this fixed right away. Just keep telling yourself, everything is going to be ok, everything is going to be ok…

SOUND: Of angel flying away.

MICHAEL: Oh we are all doomed.

END CREDITS

Closer

SOUND: of morning in the woods. Franklin gets up and stretches.

FRANKLIN: Rise and shine everyone.

ALISON: (Yawning) Is it morning all ready?

FRANKLIN: The early bird gets the worm.

ALISON: I hate expressions.

FRANKLIN: Really…. (Disappointed) Oh.