Episode Three: Time Out Of Mind

Episode 3 of

Time Out Of Mind,

 the sequel to

The Dante Experience

“A Duel for Josephine”

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 1

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Ok, lunchtime is over sir. Where were we? Ok, there are five dragons going through time trying to destroy the history of mankind. They are being chased by the kids from The Dante Experience under the leadership of Susan. From Heaven we have sent our own task force consisting of General Joseph, Angel Jenkins and Dante to help. And then there is… Ok, I’m getting a transmission from Angel Ted. After my encounter with Mephistopheles on Dead Celebrity Tic Tac Toe, I asked Angel Ted to keep an eye on the devil to see what he’s doing. We now go to Angel Ted live in Hell. Ted are you there?

Scene 2

SOUND: Of Hell- Outside of noise.

TED: (To himself) Another great assignment with Michael. I wish I had an excuse to… (Noticing he is on, upset and sarcastic throughout all his lines) Well, Hello Angel Michael.

MICHAEL: (confused) Ah, hi Angel Ted. Is everything ok?

TED: Oh, yeah. Everything is super.

MICHAEL: Good.

TED: Everything is super keen.

MICHAEL: Ok.

TED: With a capital K. Keeeeeeeen.

MICHAEL: Ted, if there is a problem this is probably the wrong time. I’m currently in the big guy’s throne room and….

TED: Problem? What problem? I have no problem being called away from my first vacation in a thousand years.

MICHAEL: Oh, I see.

TED: No, no problem at all.

MICHAEL: I’m sorry about that, Ted. But this is kind of important. The end of the world and mankind is something we all take very seriously.

TED: Not that it’s easy to get to Disney World with the family these days. And the kids are all getting older. My daughter is almost out of high school and my…

MICHAEL: Ted…

TED: Granted, three years late. But she is almost out and…

MICHAEL: (annoyed, interrupting) Ted, what is going on down there in Hell.

TED: Oh, yeah, you want to talk about that thing, don’t you?

MICHAEL: Ted.

TED: Fine! Mephistopheles has called an important meeting of all the devils. He is about to speak right now to the congregation. It’s all whoop-de-doo really important mumblejumble let me tell you. I hope you all enjoy it and choke.

MICHAEL: Ah, thanks Ted.

TED: He’s beginning to speak now.

MICHAEL: Ok.

TED: Do you want to hear it?

MICHAEL: Sure, Ted.

TED: Well, here you go, sport.

Scene 3

SOUND: Deeper in Hell.

MEPHIST: Is this thing on?

SOUND: Tapping Microphone

MEPHIST: Hello Devils.

ALL DEVILS: Hello Mephistopheles!

MEPHIST: (A little confused at the perfect unison) Ok. Well, I’m sure you are all wondering why I asked you all here?

DEVIL1: I didn’t.

MEPHIST: What?

DEVIL1: I didn’t wonder that at all.

MEPHIST: That’s not the….

DEVIL1: (Interrupts) Did you wonder why he asked us here?

DEVIL2: I didn’t wonder. I was intrigued, not wondering.

MEPHIST: Ok, can I…

DEVIL1: (Interrupts) How do you define your terms?

DEVIL2: With a pencil.

MEPHIST: Can I get back to what I was saying?

DEVIL1: That’s a good one.

DEVIL3: (running up) Sorry, I’m late.

MEPHIST: It’s ok.

DEVIL3: Did I miss anything?

DEVIL1: Well, so far Mephistopheles was wondering if we were wondering why he invited all the devils in Hell here.

DEVIL3: A good question. What did we say?

DEVIL2: Well…

MEPHIST: (Interrupts) Anyway, an opportunity has come up that.

DEVIL1: Just a second.

MEPHIST: (Annoyed) What now?

DEVIL1: Do you smell something?

PAUSE.

MEPHIST: No, I don’t smell anything.

DEVIL2: I smell something.

MEPHIST: An opportunity that we have looked forward to for…. Ok, now I smell it too. What is that awful smell?

STINKY: Mephistopheles!

MEPHIST: Oh, God! It’s Stinky the Devil.

STINKY: I’ve had about enough of your empty promises, Mephistopheles.

MEPHIST: (Annoyed) All right, who invited Stinky?

DEVIL2: It wasn’t me.

DEVIL3: (Quiet voice in the back, meek) Sorry.

STINKY: Hey!

MEPHIST: Why did you do that?

DEVIL3: (Coming closer) You said all the devils.

MEPHIST: Yes, but I thought it was understood not to involve Stinky.

STINKY: What’s wrong with me?

MEPHIST: I might as well get this over with quickly so we can all get out of here.

STINKY: And my name isn’t Stinky, it’s Herbert!

ALL DEVILS: (Laugh- cackle, cackle, cackle).

STINKY: What’s wrong with Herbert the Devil?

ALL DEVILS: (More laughter).

STINKY: Stop it!

MEPHIST: Anyway, while appearing on Dead Celebrity Tic Tac Toe, I learned about the possible destruction of mankind. It’s seems man in the future not only has invented Time Travel, but also the genetic capabilities to create Dragons. These dragons from the future want to destroy all of mankind’s history.

DEVIL2: Wouldn’t they in the process destroy their own existence?

MEPHIST: (Pause) Well, I won’t tell them, if you won’t.

DEVIL3: And what do you think we should do?

MEPHIST: Well, I figured I could go by myself and….

ALL DEVILS: (Moan)

MEPHIST: What?

DEVIL3: All in favor of trusting our fate in the hands of Mephistopheles again?

ALL DEVILS: Nah!

MEPHIST: Hey, now wait a minute.

DEVIL3: What?

MEPHIST: I… I… I didn’t get a chance to vote.

DEVIL3: Ok, fine. Let’s do it again.

MEPHIST: Great.

DEVIL3: All in favor of trusting Mephistopheles?

MEPHIST: (Weakly, solo voice) Yea.

ALL DEVILS:  (Strongly) Nah

DEVIL3: Feel better now?

MEPHIST: Now just wait one minute. What did I do that upset all of you so much?

DEVIL2: Wait, I made a list.

MEPHIST: What?

SOUND: Paper unfolding.

MEPHIST: You made a list!?

DEVIL2: Failed battle in front of gate of Heaven.

MEPHIST: Ok, I can see that.

DEVIL2: Failed negotiation with the Limbo Army at the same said gate.

DEVIL1: Oh, that’s a good one.

MEPHIST: It’s not as if they won either.

DEVIL2: (Pause) Is God still in Heaven?

MEPHIST: (Pause) Well, when you put it that way. Yes, technically, God is still in Heaven.

DEVIL2: Are we all dancing on white fluffy clouds?

MEPHIST: No.

DEVIL2: Are we playing harps and singing hymns?

MEPHIST: I get your point.

DEVIL1: Did we really want to play harps?

DEVIL2: Then I continue with the list. Alison Peters from Minnesota.

MEPHIST: What?

DEVIL2: I don’t think I need to say anything more in regards to that mistake.

MEPHIST: I have a good reason for that one.

STINKY: Well, let’s hear it.

MEPHIST: I used her to distract the group going through Hell.

DEVIL2: Yeah, right. Anyway…

MOM: (Interrupts) Ok, now that is enough!

MEPHIST: What? Mom? Oh, God!

MOM: Now you devils listen to my son!

DEVILS: (Laughing).

MOM: Move over Mephistopheles.

SOUND: Microphone be hit in the moving.

MEPHIST: Mom, you’re embarrassing me.

MOM: My son has worked hard for the destruction of man. Have you all forgotten the great press he got all of us for his work with Faust?

DEVIL3: That was years ago.

MOM: So he made some mistakes with The Dante Experience. So he allowed himself to be distracted by a mortal. So he allowed us to miss our one opportunity to take heaven in exchange for going shopping at the Mall of America.

MEPHIST: (Aside) I hope there is a point to this mom.

MOM: But we all must admit our life is much more interesting since he brought back that DVD player and digital flat screen TV.

MEPHIST: Wrong time, Mom.

DEVIL3: What DVD player?

STINKY: Do you know anything about a DVD player, Stan?

DEVIL1: No, idea, Stinky.

STINKY: My name is not Stinky!

MEPHIST: (Pig Latin) They don’t know about the DVD player, mom.

MOM: (Quickly) Ok, ok. I can solve all of this right now. Mephistopheles!

SOUND: She grabs his ear hard. He struggles a little throughout.

MEPHIST: Mom! Ow! Ow!

MOM: Say you’re sorry.

MEPHIST: Let go of my ear! This hurts! Mom!

MOM: Say you’re sorry.

MEPHIST: I’m sorry.

MOM: Like you mean it.

MEPHIST: I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Ok?

MOM: You won’t let it happen again, right?

MEPHIST: (Quickly) Yes, yes, just let go of my ear, Ok?

MOM: And you promise that you will make sure Man is destroyed?

MEPHIST: Yes!

SOUND: Let’s go of ear. Back to as it was.

MOM: There.

MEPHIST: Cripes, that hurt, mom!

MOM: Now is everyone satisfied with that?

ALL DEVILS: Yes.

MOM: Yes, what?

ALL DEVILS: (Like scolded children) Yes, ma’am.

MOM: Good. Now what are you going to do Mephistopheles?

MEPHIST: I’m going to follow the group and distract them.

MOM: So?

MEPHIST: So the dragons will complete their mission to destroy the entire history of mankind.

MOM: Does that sound ok to everyone?

ALL DEVILS: Yes, ma’am.

MOM: What about you, Stinky?

Stinky: I’m fine with that.

MOM: Ok meeting is adjourned. There are cookies and punch available in the cafeteria. One per devil. Did you hear me?

STINKY: Do I really smell?

MOM: One per devil!

Scene 4

SOUND: Away from devils.

TED: Well, there you go, Michael. The great meeting you just had to hear.

MICHAEL: Thanks, Ted.

TED: I hope you really enjoyed it.

MICHAEL: Well, not really. They are evil, Ted.

TED: Oh, I’m sorry. I will try to have a better devil meeting for you next time. Would you like them to exchange favorite devil recipes next time?

MICHAEL: I think we are going to let you go now Ted.

TED: And I was so enjoying this conversation.

MICHAEL: And Ted? Take off the mouse ears. Bye now.

Scene 5

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Sorry about Ted there. He has issues. A lot, a lot of issues it seems. Now, Robert, Susan, Alison, Steve and Will have just arrived in the courtyard of Versailles in the early 1800’s in the middle of one Napoleon’s lunch parties.

Scene 6

SOUND: Outside a party of French people.

SUSAN: Ok, does anyone know how to speak French?

STEVE: I don’t want to brag, but I have been called an expert at….

SUSAN: (Interrupts) We are not talking about kissing Steve.

STEVE: Oh (Pause) nevermind then.

SUSAN: Did you find anyone who spoke English, Robert?

ROBERT: (Annoyed) No, I didn’t find anyone who spoke English, Susan.

SUSAN: Did you ask anyone?

ROBERT: (Pause) No.

SUSAN: Ok, then. We have something to start with.

STEVE: (Astonished) Oh, my God. Robert, check her out.

ROBERT: Steve, why were you built without an off switch?

SUSAN: Excuse me, sir?

FRENCH1: Oui.

SUSAN: Can you speak English?

FRENCH1: Oui.

WILL: (Overacting) What kind of a freak mind game is this man playing on us.

ALISON: Are you sure you can’t go back from where you came, Will?

SUSAN: Who is that man over there?

FRENCH1: That is Napoleon, Emperor of….

STEVE: (Interrupts) Nevermind that. Who is that woman over there?

FRENCH1: Josephine Bonaparte.

STEVE: Wow.

FRENCH1: Oui, she is a hotty.

STEVE: Excuse me, my friends. I’m going to go meet her. (Lightly singing to self) Smooth operator…

SOUND: Walking away.

SUSAN: Hmmm….

ALISON: What’s wrong Susan?

SUSAN: Napoleon.

PAUSE

ALISON: You’re not attracted to him, are you?

SUSAN: No!

ALISON: Ok. Ok.

SUSAN: Why? Are you?

ALISON: No, I was just curious.

PAUSE

ALISON: What were you about to say?

SUSAN: It’s just that historically Napoleon was a short man.

ALISON: Ok.

SUSAN: And this Napoleon is large, green and scaly.

WILL: What are you saying Susan?

SUSAN: It may be one of the dragons.

ALISON: Dragons don’t wear French Military uniforms, Susan.

FRENCH1: Napoleon does look a little green and large today. I thought it was the cooking. You know how bad French cooking is.

ALL: (Laugh).

FRENCH1: Lousy, lousy cooks. French food is so crappy. It’s the main reason why we are such a bitter country. We just eat awful food.

SOUND: Of an argument in distance (Second Dragon and Steve).

ROBERT: Oh, no!

SUSAN: C’mon.

Scene 7

SOUND: Closer to argument.

SECOND DRAGON: (Fake French accent) How dare you make a move on my queen?

STEVE: I thought Europeans greet with a kiss. I’m sorry.

JOSEPHINE: Wow!

STEVE: And I naturally assumed since the kiss is named after your country that….

SECOND DRAGON: How dare you! I challenge you to a duel.

STEVE: Drool? I don’t drool.

JOSEPHINE: He’s right, he doesn’t.

SECOND DRAGON: Not drool. Duel.

STEVE: Oh, ok.

PAUSE

SUSAN: That means you have to fight to the death, Steve.

STEVE:  (Sarcastic) Oh, well that’s just great!

 Scene 8

SOUND: Of Heaven.

MICHAEL: Sir, it turns out that that Napoleon was one of the dragons the group was searching for. He was left behind by the other dragons to cause a distraction for the time travelers. Our task force from heaven under the leadership of General Joseph has arrived in the center of Paris. So it’s just a matter of our team getting to the palace. Let’s check on their arrival.

 Scene 9

SOUND: Continous under the next scene is a running gag of cheering, a slicing noise, a plop and cheering. They are near the guillotine. This is exactly the same over and over again until Dante snaps. The three talking have a hard time hearing themselves over the continous noises.

DANTE: Ugh, French people!

JOSEPH: It must feel good to be home, Dante.

DANTE: I’m not French.

JOSEPH: What?

DANTE: French!

JOSEPH: You’re not my type, Dante.

DANTE: What?

JENKINS: I think we are in the wrong time period.

DANTE: What?

JENKINS: Nevermind. Now what do we do?

JOSEPH: We need to find the time travelers.

DANTE: What did you say?

JOSEPH: I can’t hear you.

DANTE: I can’t hear you either.

JENKINS: How could you answer him if you can’t hear him?

JOSEPH: Shut up, Jenkins.

JENKINS: How could you hear me?

DANTE: I can’t hear either of you! I hate these French, Jenkins.

JENKINS: But this is not the right time period, we want the Napoleon Empire after the revolution. I wonder if something is wrong with the timeline and by the way, you’re not my type, Dante.

DANTE: How did you hear me?

JENKINS: I didn’t hear you. We clearly can’t hear each other Dante.

DANTE: You’re right we can’t hear each other at all.

JOSEPH: I agree with that assumption.

DANTE: What did you say?

JOSEPH: Exactly.

DANTE: What? I can’t stand this. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!

SOUND: Stops. Complete silence.

DANTE: There that’s better.

FRENCH2: Arrest them!

DANTE: What? Wait.

FRENCH WOMAN: Off with their heads!

SOUND: Crowd chanting “Off with their heads!”

FRENCH3: Tie them up!

JOSEPH: Good job, Dante.

JENKINS: Yeah, excellent.

DANTE: I would say thank you, but I think there is a chance you’re being sarcastic.

BOTH: We are.

DANTE: See.

FRENCH2: Take them to the prison!

SOUND: Of group complaining as they are being carried away by mob.

Scene 10

SOUND: Of Heaven. Michael at the keyboard still.

MICHAEL: Ok, ok. I’m sure they’ll be fine. They probably did that on purpose. It is all going to be ok, I’m sure. There is nothing to worry about, I’m sure. I’m sure…. Have you ever noticed how on the internet you can type in any word and get a porn site for it? I mean, seriously what is wrong with the world!… Ah… (To himself) Man, I bet you can make a lot of money on one of these sites. Probably shouldn’t be too hard. And there isn’t any made yet for angels, so I could… (Aloud) Wait! Not that I was looking up adult web sites in your throne room. (Quick) Anyway, ok, back to our time travelers. Steve is about to have a duel with the fake Napoleon for Josephine.

Scene 11

SOUND: A Field

STEVE: Alison, can I use your laser?

SOUND: Electronical device moved.

ALISON: Sure, Steve.

SUSAN: Be careful. He may be a dragon.

STEVE: Whatever. Ok, Sparky how does this duel thing work?

ALISON: Steve is so brave.

ROBERT: Well, it seems that way, but when you consider the fact that he wants to sleep with someone else’s wife and ruin their marriage and change history, as we know it, just so he can have a night of pleasure and self-delight, you get a different picture.

ALISON: I guess so, but who takes the concept of marriage seriously anymore, anyway. I know I never want to get married.

ROBERT: (Nervous laugh) Oh, yeah. Who wants to get married? Ha! Marriage is stupid. (To himself) stupid, stupid, stupid.

SECOND DRAGON: This is how the duel works, Steve. We are back to back.

STEVE: Ok.

SECOND DRAGON: And then we fire on the count of ten.

STEVE: Ok.

SECOND DRAGON: 1… 2…

SOUND: Zipp! (Laser)

SECOND DRAGON: Ow! Hey.

STEVE: What?

SECOND DRAGON: You weren’t supposed to fire yet!

STEVE: I’m sorry.

SECOND DRAGON: You were supposed to wait until I said 10.

SOUND: Zipp! (laser)

SECOND DRAGON: Hey! What is wrong with you?!

STEVE: You said 10!

SECOND DRAGON: I didn’t mean that 10!

SOUND: Zipp! (laser)

SECOND DRAGON: Damn it…. You’re killing me here.

STEVE: Well, isn’t that the point.

SECOND DRAGON: Yes, but not until I say that number…

STEVE: What?

SECOND DRAGON: I’m really bleeding over here… You are not going to trick me into saying that number again.

STEVE: What do you mean trick? I admit the first one was a mistake, but I wasn’t cheating.

WILL: You just didn’t explain yourself well.

STEVE: Stay out of this Will.

WILL: It’s not his fault you said 10.

SOUND: Zipp! (Laser)

STEVE: Sorry, sorry. My fault. I jumped the gun.

SOUND: Of dragon moaning and falling.

JOSEPHINE: You killed my husband, Steve!

STEVE: (Confused) I did?  (Reassured) Yeah, I did. That’ll teach Napoleon. Next time you will let me hit on your wife!

JOSEPHINE: Wait a minute!… His hat has fallen off and… That’s not my husband!

STEVE: What? I’m not going to go through that again!

JOSEPHINE: No, no. My husband was small.

ROBERT: That’s rather personal.

ALISON: Be quiet, Robert.

JOSEPHINE: And that Napoleon is large, green and has a large tail…. He really had me fooled with that hat.

WILL: The dragon is disappearing!

SOUND: Of a silly little music clip followed by a silly bonk!

PAUSE

ALL: (Laugh)

WILL: That was hilarious! Let’s kill another dragon. I want to hear it again.

SUSAN: Steve, you killed one of the dragons.

STEVE: Righto.

JOSPEHINE: My hero.

STEVE: Rock on.

JOSPEHINE: Steve has killed the dragon! I declare this day a national holiday for Steve!

ALL FRENCH: (Cheering.)

ALISON: Steve, you’re a hero!

ROBERT: I can’t believe this.

WILL: (Depressed) I wish I was a hero.

 Scene 12

SOUND: Of Heaven. Typing on keyboard and stops.

MICHAEL: Ok, ok… See, I knew something good would happen today. One of the dragons has been killed. Granted our task force from Heaven are scheduled to be guillotined tomorrow, so oh well. But there is only four dragons left.

SOUND: Of computer shutting down.

MICHAEL: Ok, so that’s all good and I’ve got to fly. Hey, don’t look at me that way, I know this is important-Saving mankind and all, but I have a date tonight. Maybe you know her? Angel Kellii T3125-9. Yeah, she spells her name with two“I”s. Cool, eh? I’m very hopeful, if you know what I mean. Ok, this may be the wrong place to talk about this, we’ve been talking for months on the internet before this… (Coughs) I’m keeping my pager with me if anything comes up I can be paged. Of course, if things get a little hot, the pager is being tossed. (Laughs). I’ll see ya later. Wish me luck. Have a nice night.  (Singing to himself, like Steve) Smooth Operator…

END CREDITS

Closer

SOUND: Jail cell being locked.

FRENCH2: You will die tomorrow. Have a nice night, traitor scum.

DANTE: Well, this is just great.

JOSEPH: Shut up, Dante.

DANTE: Shut up? I will not shut up. I don’t want to die again. Death is such a major inconvenience.

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