Time Out Of Mind,
the sequel to
The Dante Experience
“A Whole New Mess”
SOUND: Of God’s throne room.
MICHAEL: Good morning your holy sir. It’s me, Angel Michael X34267-1. I know, I know you banned me from your throne room after the, ahh, incident last year. I don’t know how I can be blamed for the Dante Experience but… You’re making that face again. You’re making that face and so I know you are not happy and…
MICHAEL: Whoa, Whoa! Come on! Let’s be reasonable here. Do you seriously think I would bother the big Guy if I didn’t have a reason? I’m not stupid…. Ok, I’m stupid. I agree with you there. But this is important. And there is a reason why I was chosen to discuss the situation with you.
MOVING ANGEL: Where do you want this stuff?
MICHAEL: Oh, great the computer supplies are here. Just set them up here.
MOVING ANGEL: Wow, is that who I think it is?
MICHAEL: Yeah, it is… Don’t stare, he doesn’t like it.
MOVING ANGEL: Sign here.
MOVING ANGEL: And here.
MICHAEL: Thanks. Is this cool or what? All these computers and visual equipment. When I was informed of the situation I asked for all this so we can monitor the situation at any given moment. Plus, this has one of the fastest processors on the market and check out that video lead… Cool. Oh, I hope you don’t mind the equipment taking up so much room in your throne room, but… Ok, let me explain why I’m here and this will all make sense. Trust me, this is big, Big Daddy. It seems I am the only one with the background, knowledge and experience to discuss the problem with you…. You’re making that face again and I totally understand. Let me tell you how I was informed of the situation. I was told by General Joseph. See, that’s caught your attention. I told you this is big. And when he told me I quickly realized how big this is.
SOUND: of Heaven fades out.
SOUND: Of another part of Heaven.
MICHAEL: Oh poopy.
JOSEPH: I know.
MICHAEL: This is bad.
JOSEPH: I know.
MICHAEL: This is really bad.
JOSEPH: I know.
MICHAEL: This is really really bad.
JOSEPH: Ok, we’ve agreed that this is bad.
MICHAEL: How can you let such a thing happen?
JOSEPH: I didn’t drop the ball on this one! It was those damn future watchers.
MICHAEL: Oh… I hate those guys.
MICHAEL: They think they’re so smart.
MICHAEL: Always knowing what is going to happen. Acting all high and mighty. (falsetto voice) Oh, I know what you are going to do. Oh, I know what you are going to eat tonight. Oh, I know whom your girlfriend is going to cheat on you with and by the way tell Dave I said hi. Oh, I know who you are going to fly into on your way home from work while in a drunken stupor and get sued in heaven’s court for…
JOSEPH: (interrupts) Are you done yet?
MICHAEL: And every time I walk past them they snicker… I really hate those guys.
JOSEPH: (sighs) You said that. Well, they made a big mistake. And now we have a time traveling crisis on our hands of epic proportions.
MICHAEL: So why are you telling me about this? How am I playing a part in this?
SOUND: Of Heaven.
MICHAEL: Then he told me and I was really unnerved. There was no way I couldn’t be unnerved. There is no better word to describe the feeling than unnerved. The entire future and past of humankind hangs in the balance! Everything we know about Earth could disappear in a puff or a pooh or whatever you want that noise to be and we have to deal with… I’m sorry. I’ve got to try and stay in control here. Ok, so after Joseph told me the situation he asked me to round up the one man who knew the people involved better than anyone. He even knew where I could find him.
SOUND: Of Heaven fades.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to…
SOUND: Quick electric sound
AUDIENCE: Dead Celebrity Tic Tac Toe!!!
MUSIC: Cheesy game show theme song.
SOUND: Cheering and applause
ANNOUNCER: And now for your host. The one, the only Bob McKelly!
SOUND: Applause and cheering kicks in louder.
SOUND: Cheesy music fades out as Bob starts speaking.
BOB: Hello. Hello. Everyone and welcome to your favorite game and mine. Dead Celebrity Tic Tac Toe. The game where our contestants play tic tac toe with celebrities in the squares. Let’s get right to it and meet our celebrities.
SOUND: Theme music for a little bit.
BOB: And in the first square is the one and only Napoleon Bonparte.
SOUND: Audience cheering.
NAPOLEON: (Playful French accent) Bonjour. Bonjour! I love a goooood croissant! (Catch phrase over emphasized)
BOB: I’ll never get bored with that catch phrase.
NAPOLEON: Oui! Oui!
BOB: Moving on. Next to him is the famous British killer Jack the ripper.
JACK: (evil sounding) Hello Bob. Hello Napoleon.
NAPOLEON: Ewww! Don’t talk to me you evil, evil man!
BOB: (laughing) Oh you two! Moving on. In the third square in the top row we have the ex-boyfriend of the leader of the limbo army. He was last seen a year ago on The Sigmund Freud Show. That’s right none other than Susan’s dead ex boyfriend Seth Perkins!
SETH: Hi, Bob.
BOB: Have you heard from Susan lately?
SETH: (Starts crying) shut up!
BOB: Moving down a row.
SETH: (Aside) You big jerk.
BOB: (Laughing). Allrighty then. We have the extremely sexy Cleopatra and her ventriloquist dummy Winkie! Yes, it’s the popular comedy team of Cleopatra and Winkie! Hi Cleopatra, Hi Winkie.
CLEOPATRA: (talking through teeth. Bad Ventriloquist). How are you Bob?
BOB: Pretty good, Winkie. How are you?
CLEOPATRA: (talking through teeth) Woodnt’ you like to know?
SOUND: Audience laughs.
BOB: You’ve got to love those wooden dummy jokes.
CLEOPATRA: (Talking through teeth) Who are you calling a dummy?
BOB: Enough already. You’re killing me… If I wasn’t dead all ready.
SOUND: Canned Laughing.
BOB: Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. Skipping the middle square we have in the right middle square Boobles the Tiger.
SOUND: Tiger roars.
BOB: How are you doing Boobles?
SOUND: tiger roars.
SOUND: tiger roars again.
SOUND: canned laughter
BOB: So true Boobles. So true.
DANTE: (sounds like his mic was just turned on) …and Keep that filthy beast away from me.
BOB: (laughing) and in the bottom left corner square we have the legendary Dante. The famous Italian poet.
SOUND: Quiet. Sound of crickets.
BOB: Dante was also the tour guide for those wacky mortals that gave all of us a run for our money last year.
SOUND: Audience cheers.
DANTE: Thanks everyone. Read a book. Fight illiteracy.
BOB: Nice plug, Dante. Next to him is the entire Persian Boy’s choir.
CHOIR: (all singing together) Hello.
BOB: And next to them is the famous devil…
SOUND: Lighting striking.
BOB: …The evil Mephistopheles.
MEPHIST: Greetings all.
SOUND: Audience screaming in terror.
BOB: (Screams too). Oh, I’m sorry. It’s a natural reaction.
MEPHIST: It’s ok. I’m used to it.
DANTE: I can’t believe you invited someone so evil to…
BOB: Dante if you please. (coughs) And in the all important middle square we have Helen Keller. How are you doing Helen?
BOB: That’s great. And now for our contestants. He was run over by a group of mad bulls, she died drunk while on board the Titanic. Say hello to Billy and Anne.
BILLY: Hey Bob.
BOB: Great! Let’s play.
MUSIC: Cheesy theme music.
BOB: Ok, Billy choose your square.
BILLY: I choose Napoleon
BOB: A good move. Napoleon?
AUDIENCE: Canned laughter.
BOB: Where did you suffer your greatest defeat?
NAPOLEON (Laughs) What kind of a question is this? Of course it was in the bedroom.
AUDIENCE: Canned laughter.
NAPOLEON: But I joke. I joke.
BOB: Are you sure? We have had Jospehine on the show before. Ha, ha, ha.
NAPOLEON: (Serious, annoyed, quickly) Yes, I joke, Josephine has never wanted another lover and my greatest defeat was at Waterloo.
BOB: Billy do you disagree or agree?
BILLY: Well, I…
BOB: Think carefully Billy.
BILLY: (quickly) I disagree!
NAPOLEON: Sac Le blue!
BOB: Billy, you’re such an idiot.
NAPOLEON: It was a gooood croissant!
AUDIENCE: Canned laughing
BOB: Very good Napoleon. Anne, choose your square.
ANNE: I choose Boobles.
BOB: Boobles. Could you please put out that cigarette? Thanks. I just wanted to say you look very smart in your pink and yellow painter’s smock and black French cap.
SOUND: Tiger Roar.
BOB: After leaving the Limbo Army, your paintings have almost starting a new artistic movement through the afterlife. Your paintings can be seen in many of the darkest and evilest parts of Hell. Dare I say, bringing a little hope to the desperate? How does that make you feel?
SOUND: Same Tiger roar.
BOB: Excellent. Now onto the question- Boobles, who wrote Pride and Prejudice? Think carefully…
SOUND: Same Tiger roar.
BOB: (Quiet) Anne, do you disagree or agree?
ANNE: I agree.
BOB: You are right! It was written by Jane Austen. You sunk that one Anne.
AUDIENCE: Cheering and laughing.
NAPOLEON: (Quiet) Sounded just like a normal tiger growl to…
JACK: (Interrupted) Hey, Napoleon. Come a little bit closer here. I’ve something to show you.
NAPLOEON: You stay away from me. I’ve got a sword and I am not afraid to use it.
JACK: (Faked impressed) Ooooooo.
NAPOLEON: That’s it. I’m getting medieval on you!
BOB: Just a second you two…
SOUND: Of a fight.
NAPOLEON: You don’t fight fair you British cow!
JACK: What did you expect? There goes your arm! Ha!
NAPOLEON: Give me back my arm, or I’ll soooo hurt you.
JACK: Gentlemen, gentlemen let’s stay calm. This is a game show. Let’s stay civil. Ok, Billy it is your turn and… What the Heck!?
SOUND: Of angel wings arriving.
DANTE: Oh, no.
MICHAEL: Sorry to interrupt. Sorry. I need to talk to Dante.
DANTE: Oh, no, oh no.
BOB: Please Angel?
MICHAEL: Michael X34267-1.
BOB: Michael Yes. We are on the air. This is a live Television show.
MICHAEL: This is live?
MICHAEL: (voice changes) Have any of you ever thought of the benefit of Paradise Cleaning products? We offer everything from cleaners to deodorants and trust me they work…
BOB: Please sir.
DANTE: I don’t know this angel. He has nothing to do with me, I swear. I’m still going to get paid, right? Right?
MICHAEL: When was the last time you thought, “Boy, I stink from decay. I wish I had some deodorant.” Well, that problem can be corrected with this great Paradise product. It’s called “Smell be gone.”
BOB: (No longer friendly) Get him out of here.
BILLY: I choose the angel Bob.
BOB: He isn’t in a square, you idiot. Security!
MICHAEL: Wait! Wait!
SOUND: Of angel flying.
MICHAEL: Dante! You must come with me! We need you.
DANTE: Last time I helped you was the worst experience of my life.
MICHAEL: (Correcting) Death.
DANTE: Death, whatever.
MICHAEL: Dante if you don’t come with me reality, as we know it, will be destroyed and we’ll all disappear! Life as we know will end! The end of everything!
QUIET AND THEN…
SOUND: Audience panics and screams.
MICHAEL: (Innocent) Oh, did I say that on live TV?
DANTE: You’re damn right you said that on live TV!
CLEOPATRA: (Through clenched teeth) We’re all going to die. (Normal) Shut up, Winkiee.
BOB: Now everyone please calm down.
ANNOUNCER: We’re all going to die I just know it!
BOB: You shut up too. Helen! (Pause) Helen! (Pause) Helen!
NAPOLEON: Sac la blue!
BOB: Can someone please try to calm down Helen Keller?
JACK: (Evil) I’ll do it.
MEPHIST: This is all very interesting.
MICHAEL: Mephistopheles (Panic scream). What are you doing here? This, pfff, this is not interesting at all, Mephistopheles. Just a normal day. Ha, ha.
MEPHIST: Good-bye everyone.
EVERYONE: (All scream)
MEPHIST: Stop that!… I think I have some investigation to get into.
BOB: Yes, what is it?
ANNOUNCER: I’ve been having an affair with your wife.
ANNOUNCER: I know this may be a bad time to bring this up…
BOB: We are on live throughout the afterlife! My entire family is probably watching this!
ANNOUNCER: I just wanted to get everything out in the open before we disappear. So I guess this is a really big sorry. Sorry.
ANNOUNCER: Not to say it wasn’t great sex, it was…
MICHAEL: Come on Dante. We need to get out of here.
NAPOLEON: Helen Keller is killing Jack the Ripper!
JACK: Oh, the humanity!
BOB: We’re cutting the show short tonight everyone.
JACK: (Screaming in pain) Don’t say cut!
SOUND: Canned laughing
JACK: Turn off that canned laughter! I’m getting beaten up by Helen Keller and I am getting laughed at by a laughtrack. This really bites… Aggh, now she’s biting! That she hears! Aggh!
BOB: We’re ending the show early, so everyone can go back to their panicking. Good night everyone. See you in our next reality.
SOUND: Cheesy theme music.
MICHAEL: We don’t have much time Dante.
DANTE: But what I don’t understand is why you would need me, I’m just… (Realizes something) Oh, no. You can’t be serious. You don’t mean those kids do you!?
SOUND: Of Heaven
MICHAEL: Just a second…. I’m sorry for this inconvenience. See, Angel Jenkins always handles the electronic stuff and he’s currently being debriefed. Not to say I don’t know how. I am very smart and….
SOUND: Electronic Fizz.
MICHAEL: (Laughing) I meant to do that…. Ok… Ok….
SOUND: Of a Field on a TV. Birds and other nature.
MICHAEL: Ok, so we don’t have visual. I will walk you through this. This is a park in a little town in Minnesota. (Coughs) But Dante was right…. It is those kids. The kids from the Dante Experience.
SOUND: Of a field outside. It’s a Beautiful day. Birds singing.
ROBERT: Ok , listen up. Alison is waiting for me over there in the field. She thinks we’re only having a picnic.
SUSAN: Do you have the ring on you? Let me see.
STEVE: I can’t believe you’re doing this. This is a mistake.
ROBERT: I love her Steve.
SOUND: Ring case opening.
SUSAN: Nice ring. I think one of the diamonds is going to fall off though…
STEVE: Love? Love? What the Hell are you talking about? What’s love got to do with it? Robby baby, What’s love but a second hand emotion?
SUSAN: I think it is romantic.
SOUND: Ring case closing.
STEVE: You would. You probably think prison is romantic too.
SUSAN: What the heck are you talking about?
STEVE: I don’t know anymore. I find this whole matter so upsetting.
ROBERT: I’m happy with her Steve. This is right.
STEVE: Less than a year ago she dumped you for a devil!
ROBERT: We’ve grown a lot since then.
STEVE: (Sarcastic) Oh please.
SUSAN: Just go, Robert. Eye of the tiger! Good luck.
STEVE: Don’t do it Robert! Come back! You’ll lose your soul.
SUSAN: Won’t you shut up?
SOUND: Walking away
SOUND: of walking up.
ALISON: Robert! Great! There you are. Can we hurry this up?
ROBERT: Hurry up a romantic picnic?
ALISON: Well, I have a history midterm next week on the Civil War and I have to massively study… Seriously, I’m a Communication Major, why do I care who won the Civil War?
ROBERT: (Nervous laughter)
ALISON: Are you ok?
ROBERT: (Nervous and fast) I’m fine, fine, fine, fine, fine…. (pause) How are you?
ALISON: I’m ok.
ROBERT: (Excited) That’s great.
ROBERT: You’re welcome.
ALISON: Sit down.
ROBERT: Do you know what today is?
ROBERT: No, no.
ALISON: Yes, it is. I have a calendar back home and it clearly said Tuesday.
ROBERT: No, I mean it’s our anniversary.
ALISON: Anniversary of what?
ALISON: (Shrugging it off) Oh, that.
ROBERT: We’ve been through a lot the two of us. Hell. Literally.
ROBERT: And the whole death of Will. That was a bummer.
ROBERT: You went to his funeral.
ALISON: (Remembering) Oh him.
ROBERT: But through all that we’re still together. Through thick and thin we’ve…
ALSION: (Interrupting) through what and what?
ROBERT: It’s an expression.
ALISON: Oh one of those. I hate those.
ROBERT: And we… You hate expressions?
ROBERT: All expressions?
ROBERT: Anyway, we’ve… You know that’s really odd… Ok, never mind. We’ve been through a lot and I love you.
ALISON: Oh that’s sweet.
ALISON: You’re welcome.
ROBERT: And I was thinking of the future, our future…
SOUND: Huge noise. Time tunnel vortex opening behind him. Robert doesn’t see it, Alison does.
ALISON: Holy moo Cow!
SOUND: Of heaven. (Field more in background).
MICHAEL: Ok, let me explain that noise! What Alison is seeing is a Time Tunnel Vortex that has (Coughed) opened up behind Robert. It looks like a normal time vortex- flames, lightening, etc. So, in other words she was pretty impressed. Robert doesn’t see it. He is too much into his own things. Which is really typical of him.
SOUND: Of field and time vortex
ALISON: Oh, Robert! Robert!
ROBERT: Yeah, I know Alison this is pretty big.
ALISON: There’s a black hole behind you!
SOUND: Ring case opening.
ROBERT: And there would be one in my heart if you said no.
ALISON: No, no. There are swirling gases and colors. Lighting shooting out. Turn around! Wow!
ROBERT: You’re excited. It’s understandable. Anyway I’ve thought about this a long time and…
SOUND: Five Dragons coming out of time tunnel. The Dragons roar and breathe fire and storm around.
SOUND: Of Heaven (Field and vortex and dragons in background on TV).
MICHAEL: (Awkward and quick) Now that noise is the sound of five angry dragons coming through the time vortex…. I know this sounds bad, but there is a knight that was sent to stop them, of course that doesn’t turn out, but…. Let’s just listen. He’ll be through the vortex shortly… Let me emphasis again, I had nothing to do with this.
SOUND: Of field.
SMAUG: Separate my fellow dragons. The Knight will be here soon. Prepare! Prepare!
OTHER DRAGONS: Yes, Smaug!
ALISON: Holy Mary, mother of God!
ROBERT: Aren’t you even going to look at the ring?
ALISON: Robert! Five real dragons came out of that black hole! They’re huge!
ROBERT: Alison, let’s keep our head here. Listen to me. I…
SOUND: A man jumping out of tunnel.
KNIGHT: Ha Ha! Have at you dragons! You won’t destroy reality!
SMAUG: You will never stop us, Knight.
SOUND: Of dragons and the future knight fighting.
ALISON: Robert! Robert!
ROBERT: Alison you have to let me finish this… I’m getting on my knee for you.
ALISON: A knight just jumped out of the black hole. He is wearing this really cool future armor….
SOUND: Zippppp! (Laser).
ALISON: (Excited like a little kid) With a really cool laser!
SOUND: of Susan and Steve running up to join Robert and Alison.
SUSAN: Can you guys believe this?
ROBERT: I haven’t finished yet, Susan.
SUSAN: No Robert. Behind you is a life and death struggle between one knight…
SOUND: Zippp! (laser)
ALISON: (Excited like before) With a really cool laser!
SUSAN: …And five dragons!
ROBERT: Do all women get so whacked when a ring is in their presence?
STEVE: Robert, they’re serious.
ROBERT: Don’t tell me you’re getting all mushy on me! And you two were supposed to stay on the other side of the field until I finished the proposal.
ROBERT: Then you were supposed to convince her she made the right decision and this is a good thing. This was all planned. I wrote your lines. Don’t you remember your lines? What is going on here? You’re way off script!
ALISON: No Robert.
ROBERT: No?! (Annoyed) What do you mean no?
ALISON: Look behind you.
ROBERT: Fine, I’ll just…
SOUND: Of fighting for a few seconds.
ROBERT: (sarcastic) Oh, this is just super!
SOUND: Of God’s throne room.
MICHAEL: And then your immenseness… What is that?
SOUND: An angel flying in.
JENKINS: Michael! Michael!
MICHAEL: Oh no.
JENKINS: We’ve got to go!
MICHAEL: What? I’m a little busy right now Angel Jenkins.
JENKINS: Right now.
MICHAEL: I don’t…
JENKINS: (Interrupted) No time to explain!
MICHAEL: I’m kind of in an important meeting with G…
JENKINS: (Whining, interrupting) But Michael!
MICHAEL: Ok, ok…. Listen your holiness. I’ll be back in a little bit. It seems something has come up. Soon I will return to explain exactly what all this means. And trust me this is not a good thing. Dark, dark times are ahead. Well, cheerio!
SOUND: Of fighting in the field.
ROBERT: I expected something to interrupt the proposal. I just knew something would. Of course I didn’t expect five dragons and a knight to interrupt it.
SUSAN: Do you think everything revolves around you, Robert?
ROBERT: Well, not all things of course… But everything in the greater northwest, damn it!