Fiction – Page 5 – The Stories of Scott D. Southard

December 23, 2014

My Christmas Story “Kris and Me” is on Green Spot Blue
Mele Kalikimaka readers!

My Christmas short story “Kris and Me” is being showcased on GreenSpotBlue.com for the holidays (and if you haven’t visited that site before, you should. It’s an interesting mix of literature, parenting, and hip finds on the internet). Here is an excerpt from the beginning of the story:

Let’s get this out of the way first. Kris has always had a magnificent beard. Even as a freshmen, when the rest of us were dreaming for just the hint of a stubble, Kris had a full rich beard. Yes, the girls would giggle about it behind his back, but all of us boys were jealous, because we thought it made him look rugged and a little dangerous.

I once asked about his beard. “How can you stand it, Kris?”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t it drive you a little crazy? Isn’t it scratchy? Don’t you want to shave?”

He merely shrugged in response to it. “I like who I am.”

Strangely, that response made me a little jealous too.

You can read my entire story here. I hope you will check it out!
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December 22, 2014

Merry Christmas to my now 1548 blog followers! And my attempt at the worst Christmas movie ever!
I don’t know why I always get shocked by bad holiday stories. I already complained this year about the cruel Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (here) but this weekend I found something even worse. Wow, this is bad.

I don’t know the title of it, but it involved talking puppies. Okay, talking animals I can get behind a little bit, but the family they are staying with have their house go into foreclosure. They sneak away, leaving the mommy dog and her puppies in the house. Then animal control shows up and takes the mommy dog away, leaving the puppies! But wait! We aren’t done. Then the house is broken into by a group of teenage hoodlums, who want to sell the puppies on the black puppy market…. Okay, it was then I stopped watching. (I expect better Netflix!)

So it got me thinking, can I come up with a worse Christmas movie idea? Can I? Also, it turns out it has been a while since I have done something fun to thank my blog followers. The last time I did it was when I reached 1300 followers, but now I am at 1548. So… yeah… I am due for something silly. (Oh, and thank you for following!)

So, to my wonderful followers and readers, I wish to proudly present my advertisement for the worst Christmas movie ever- 24 ‘Til Snow!

24 ‘Til Snow!

Dickie Wayne III (frat brother, smooth playboy and eternal mischief-maker) has just inherited his grandfather’s ski lodge. But there is no snow! And if there isn’t snow by Christmas all of the guests will cancel and he will be ruined before he can even start! What is there to do? Why have a wild Bikini Christmas party of course! But what will happen when that snooping sheriff and his talking deputy dog learn that Dickie doesn’t have a liquor license?

24 ‘Til Snow!

Oh no! Santa drank from Big Lug’s secret family recipe moonshine! How will the guys ever get him sober enough to deliver the rest of the presents before Christmas morning? Keep your clothes on Santa!

24 ‘Til Snow!

Trixie (Dickie’s younger sister) has sneaked into the party and wants to learn the true meaning of love. How can Dickie, the playboy to end all playboy, protect his sister from his frat brothers and teach her the truths about the heart?

24 ‘Til Snow!

Aliens!

24 ‘Til Snow!

In a very heartfelt moment with a poor family, Dickie and his guests learn the true meaning of Christmas… now back to partying!

24 ‘Til Snow!

It turns out that grandfather’s lodge has been a secret meeting spot for Russian spies since World War II. And the Russians have hidden their top-secret codes inside of the lining of Dickie’s grandfather’s fedora. The same one Dickie has been wearing all night! Can the rookie (and hot) FBI agent save Dickie’s life… without falling in love?

24 ‘Til Snow!

Fun for the whole family! (Rated R)
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December 11, 2014

Kris and Me: A Christmas Story in 3 Parts
Part 1

Let’s get this out of the way first. Kris has always had a magnificent beard. Even as a freshmen, when the rest of us were dreaming for just the hint of a stubble, Kris had a full rich beard. Yes, the girls would giggle about it behind his back, but all of us boys were jealous, because we thought it made him look rugged and a little dangerous.

I once asked about his beard. “How can you stand it, Kris?”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t it drive you a little crazy? Isn’t it scratchy? Don’t you want to shave?”

He merely shrugged in response to it. “I like who I am.”

Strangely, that response made me a little jealous too.

Mountain man was the best way to explain Kris’s look in those early days with his heavy and muddy boots, black pants, and thick red coat. He always dressed as if it was winter, even during the warmest days.

Kris and I were locker buddies. This was not out of friendship at first, but because our last names were close together, my name being Stewart Kristin. Only two people in my life has ever called me Stewie though. The first was my grandmother who I loved dearly, the second was Kris. The first time Kris did it, I blinked a little surprised.

“Is it okay?” he asked. He almost sounded nervous, noticing my reaction.

“It’s fine,” I said and for some reason it sounded good coming from him.

With the approval Kris laughed. Kris always had a deep, rich laugh that came right from his belly. And Kris would laugh a lot. I mean, seriously, alot. He laughed at every bad joke, and he told many; usually ones that were far too clean for a high schooler’s taste.

The only thing he would not laugh at was another’s misfortune. He was always the first to stop a bully or a fight, being there before even a teacher or vice-principal had a whiff of it. His stern and disappointed look would immediately cool the situation. No one wanted to be on Kris’s bad side… ever. (more…)
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May 23, 2014

Free eBook for Memorial Day Weekend! The playful, odd, and thrilling MAXIMILIAN STANDFORTH……
“If you like your supernatural books where reality mixes with the impossible, the inexplicable, then this is the book for you…. It is beautifully written.” GoodReads.com

Need an eBook for this Memorial Day Weekend? Want something different, unique, unpredictable? Consider one of my latest novels Maximilian Standforth and the Case of the Dangerous Dare. It is free for a very limited time on amazon for Kindle. You can find it here (http://www.amazon.com/Maximilian-Standforth-Case-Dangerous-Dare-ebook/dp/B00CXSDEBE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1400851518&sr=8-2&keywords=Scott+Southard). Grab a copy today!

“I started this book expecting a Sherlock Holmes style mystery with a bit more humour and got so much more than I bargained for!… If you have read any Jasper Fforde, imagine him writing whilst tripping on acid.” amazon.co.uk

This is one of my favorites of my books. Maximilian Standforth and the Case of the Dangerous Dare is the supposed fifth book in a fake mystery series. Here is the back cover description:

The cursed and foreboding McGregor Castle is the most terrifying and haunted location in all of the British Empire. Only a brave (or foolish) soul would consider visiting it, let alone staying within its walls for five days. In other words, a perfect dare for a man like Maximilian Standforth!

Maximilian Standforth, famed playboy aristocrat and private detective, is a genius with dangerous tastes. With Bob (his trusty carriage driver, biographer, and body guard) and Maggie Collins (actress, spy, and maid) by his side, Maximilian will experience horrors and madness unlike any seen before. For it is at McGregor Castle that the team will discover more than they ever could imagine in this very experimental and genre-breaking thriller.

You can enjoy a test run of it with the first chapter below. And if you do decide to grab this free eBook, would you consider showing your thanks by grabbing another of my novels as well? A Jane Austen Daydream is only $3.99 on Amazon here. My other two novels (My Problem With Doors and Megan) can both be found exclusively on Google Play for ebook here (which will work on Kindle as well).

“This book proved to me the writing skill of Mr. Southard! I believe the man has quite the imagination, albeit a twisted one” Goodreads.com

(more…)
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May 17, 2014

“The game is afoot!” Some comedy for my now 1300 followers!
This is a few days late, but I wanted to write and thank my now 1300 blog subscribers. (Which is at 1306 or so now.)

Thank you!

Over the next few months I have a lot of new things planned, including sharing the release of the audiobook version of A Jane Austen Daydream (which sounds awesome), a new book, and a collection of my blogposts entitled Me Stuff. So stay tuned!

To celebrate this milestone for my little site, below you will find some comedy. (Man, this really makes me smile.) I think you will really like it, especially if you are a fan of the inhabitants of 221B Baker Street.

It is a Sherlock Holmes parody I wrote, which was recorded by Mind’s Ear Audio Productions (the same good people who produced my radio series The Dante Experience, which you can listen to for free on this page).

I hope you enjoy “Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Dating Dilemma.”
https://sdsouthard.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/01-track-01-track-02-track-03.mp3
Thank you again for following my site!
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May 6, 2014

Singing Devils, Tigers, Hell and College Students! Discover the Comedy of THE DANTE EXPERIENCE
“…a cross between Monty Python, the Marx Brothers, and the Airplane movies.” — Bennet Pomerantz, AudioWorld, January 2002

My comedy radio series The Dante Experience is now available to listen to directly via my site! Actually, the buttons right below. (I know you see them.) How cool is that?

Inspired by Monty Python and Douglas Adams, The Dante Experience (winner of the Golden Headset, and many other radio competitions) was produced by Mind’s Ear Audio Productions. I am really proud of this mad little series. I hope you will press play. (You know you want to.)

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

Episode 10

You can learn more about my series on The Dante 3 page. If you would like to order a copy of the series, you can do so via the catalog for Mind’s Ear (here).
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March 17, 2014

Scoring Garrison Keillor
I am an English Major.

I can quote John Keats, I have good chunks of Hamlet memorized, and I once wrote a fictional book about Jane Austen (really I did, check it out). Seriously, they rarely get more English Majorally than me.

I get that there is little a person can do with such a degree. With my added MFA in Creative Writing, I live it. We teach (creating more English Majors and creative writers in the process) or we attempt to write or we edit the work of others, possibly those more successful. That’s pretty much it. We are part of an ever-growing cycle that doesn’t fit in the business world at large. No one in a financial board room has ever shouted “Quick! Get me an English Major! This report is missing symbolism!”

Yet, each week, Garrison Keillor on A Prairie Home Companion brings forward the “lunacy” of the idea of being an English Major and mocks it. Just listen to the audience laugh each time Garrison steps forward to help someone in a skit or woo by saying he is an “English Major.” Laugh, audience, laugh.

Ever since he has started this running gag, I’ve had to use fake smiles when people bring it up to me (and they do all the time). Everyone is in on this “joke,” and we that love literature and books are the brunt of it. It is at our expense. So this would be my first negative for Garrison.

Why is it wrong or a joke for people to want to study and spend their lives around something that they love (books)? Yes, business major, for example, would have the best potential for success, but that is if you only define success in financial terms. Most of us that go into the arts don’t do that. Is this counter to the American dream of big houses and multiple cars and that is why people laugh at us as if we are foolish? Whatever the case, as a writer and lover of books, Garrison should be on our side. Not on the side of the other majors, presenting us as foolish.

Oh, and this also goes for librarians too. Since he seems to mock that field just as much and plays off of the stereotypes of them. Yeah, I’m going to give him a second negative for that. (So far he is at negative 2.)

(more…)
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February 12, 2014

Flash Fiction: So this dream about Ringo…
So last night I had this elaborate dream involving Ringo Starr. He was stuck on the side of the road in a very expensive long white car because all rich people in dreams have long white cars. I offered him a ride because that is what you do when a Beatle needs help. We got talking and he invited me to a party, a real shindig. I said yes, of course, because this was Ringo.

So Ringo was a little tipsy in the dream, and I know he doesn’t drink in reality anymore, but in my dream he was. I was busy getting ready for the party, which explains why I wasn’t there when Ringo asked my far-too-young son what there is to drink in this house, my house.

So my son mixed a Beatle a drink. How my son knew how to climb up to the very high drawer with the liquor and then put a bit of this and that into a glass, I have no idea. I remember in the dream being shocked that Ringo asked my son to do this (he used to be on Thomas the Tank Engine, he should know better), and even more shocked that he then did it. It was so very Mad Men.

I then took a selfie of the three of us thinking the entire time this may or may not be great for my blog.

Probably not… Maybe.
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June 11, 2013

Free eBook! My new novel MAXIMILIAN STANDFORTH AND THE CASE OF THE DANGEROUS DARE is out!
I’m proud to announce that my new novel MAXIMILIAN STANDFORTH AND THE CASE OF THE DANGEROUS DARE is now available! And to celebrate, it is being offered as a FREE EBOOK for a limited time (June 11 through June 15). You can get the free eBook from amazon.com here- http://amzn.com/B00CXSDEBE

It is also available as a paperback for the low price of $10.71, which you can find on amazon as well (http://amzn.com/1484034287). The book is also available via amazon in other countries, many also taking part in this one-time deal.

If you have ever enjoyed my blog or my writing or have ever been curious about my novels I hope you will take this opportunity to discover my fiction with this surprising new book. Also, I ask that you please tell other readers. I would love for more people to discover my work, especially during this special limited deal. Here is the back cover description for the book:

“For now, let me warn you of the morbid and sad tale ahead of you. This is a tale filled with horror, dark passages, ghostly apparitions, and deaths I would give my last shilling to forget.”

The cursed and foreboding McGregor Castle is the most terrifying and haunted location in all of the British Empire. Only a brave (or foolish) soul would consider visiting it, let alone staying within its walls for five days. In other words, a perfect dare for a man like Maximilian Standforth!

Maximilian Standforth, famed playboy aristocrat and private detective, is a genius with dangerous tastes. With Bob (his trusty carriage driver, biographer, and bodyguard) and Maggie Collins (actress, spy, and maid) by his side, Maximilian will experience horrors and madness unlike any seen before. For it is at McGregor Castle that the team will discover more than they ever could imagine in this very experimental and genre-breaking thriller.

I hope you enjoy my new, surprising, and unpredictable novel!
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June 10, 2013

“Nightmares first take breath.” An Excerpt from MAXIMILIAN STANDFORTH AND THE CASE OF THE DANGEROUS DARE
I’m proud to announce that my new novel MAXIMILIAN STANDFORTH AND THE CASE OF THE DANGEROUS DARE is now available!

You can get the eBook from amazon.com for just $3.99 (http://amzn.com/B00CXSDEBE) or as a a paperback for the low price of$10.71 (http://amzn.com/1484034287). The book is also available via amazon in other countries.

This excerpt is from Chapter 7 (and depicts much of what you see in the great cover art), when our heroes and two questionable individuals arrive at the dreaded McGregor Castle. Enjoy!

–

Maximilian Standforth and the Case of the Dangerous Dare

From Chapter 7. The Gothic Landscape

Darkness.

Even in that cloudless and starless night, it seemed to win out against the sky’s eternity, surpassing it in black, the darkest and heaviest black.

All the stories Blackberry tried to tell us on the train, all the fear that McGregor showed at our departure could not match, could only hint at, the vision of horror in front of us. It looked like the kind of place you would believe was built in the center of hell, not to keep evil out, but to keep the evil in.

No words exist to express the horror of its peaks, the gothic nature of its shape and structure, the grimness of its design. I wish I could properly convey the feeling of terror it generated in all of us, dear reader. I wish I knew words that would fill you with the same dread we felt, the same repulsion, the same desire to escape, to run.

I do not. (more…)
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